Hey ho!

 i realized that usually before i logged in to blogger, i always have a lot to say, but when i'm already here, everything seems to fade away. why is that so aye? alright, so i'll just stir up something on my head as i type. to be honest, i'm feeling excited for my next module in two weeks time. i'll be taking 2 modules which is 2D arts fundamentals and video editing. awesome shit . but imma little worried for the 2D drawing/painting shiaat coz i know myself and i know i can't draw nor paint. i fear i might screw it. but for the video editing, i cant wait! but for the two weeks that was 'given' to us KIDS to enjoy, i dont really think imma enjoy any of it since i'll just rot at home.

i know i'm still young and talks about marriage should be far from what i'm suppose to be thinking about. but hey, i do know my limits and i wasn't even serious about it. i appreciate that you remind me about all that, but common i'm pretty sure i'm mature enough know all. i'm not a small kid anymore. why does everyone still treat me like one? yes i may act or i may still live on a ten year old's brain and thinking. but im friggin SEVENTEEN alright??!?!?!  i may have gone..no no...I HAVE gone over board in many many cases i was subconsciously thinking. but i apologised alright. all i wana do is make it work but you make me feel that im trying to hard. are you that hard to please?? or am i just very hard to keep up with?? i'm heartbroken if that is the word to describe what i feel now.. i dont evn know whatever minutiae im doing and will be doing is gona shake us up or gone bond us closer..i really dont know anymore..i think i just sucked..you think?? i abhor this feeling i really do.. it makes me feel that i am that useless..and it also just so happens that i got myself a lecturer who doesn't feel any guilt degrading us like no other..i cried once or twice on occasions that i really couldnt take it anymore...im not stupid! why the hell was i degraded like i have no dignity?!?! he thinks he's using that reverse psycology..how imbecile could he be?? he feels on top of the world whenever he does that..i could feel it.. and i felt lowly..he made me feel that way..its a victory to him and to EVERYONE else who always made me feel that way..THANK YOU ALL... you have achieved what u all want...congratulations..celebrate all you want for the falling of someone else's dignity...

i don't know where to hide my face no more..i don't know where do i tuck my feelings of sadness that is overloading in my heart..im sad...im very sad..coz i know im not a good girl...in many many ways...to many many people...im really really sad...

i know many a times we humans have this feel of satisfaction upon seeing someone fall, someone cry, someone feeling so down, someone small and quite.. but jealousy overpowers us when we see someone better than us, prettier than us, smarter than us, on top of us..i've had both...i know that is the most menaest and rudest feelings to have in you...i'm changing..ive been meaning to change...but can u plase don't mention or even trying to rake up the past in which i soo veyr much want to leave behind..to forget...i dont want to have to hate you..i dont hate people...i love them...

you know..when i wasnt on the phone with hannan, not texting hannan, not with hannan, i always have this very strong energy in me to just call him back, to tell him that i love him..to release every ounce of love to him..i always have it..really really love hannan...but...

i know above post are very so random..it wasnt arranged in such a manner that maybe i myself wont understand..but i was releasing everything in me...when i started out typing this..i felt normal..happy...but text messages i got while i typed..changed my mood..thus it might sound abit wrong somewhere or somewhat...oh u know what...

i dont feel good now..i'm beginning to hate myself all over again...this is not a good sign..

i dont hate you...really...

i love you

if you're not interested in me, you can NOT may, take your leave.

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